A friend asked me to watch his cat while he and his family were on vacation in Europe. He was very specific about keeping an eye on Ace. Ace is a ‘semi-out door’ cat. He stays outside all night and inside all day (kind of like me in my younger days). And on his way out, he said, “Make sure you keep me up to date with Ace.” I was a little puzzled, and just replied, “Yea, sure.” I didn’t realize what he meant. I understand now. Below are my reports to him.
Report No. 1:
Btw, Ace is doing fine. We had a nice chat this morning. It seems he’s dating a sweet kitty who hangs by the Yacht club. He said they like to piss on the front gate and chase critters at night. Then he takes her on one of the sail boats and has his way with her atop the main sail. I was surprised to learn that even though her name is Hello Kitty, she’s easy.
Report No. 2:
I was hanging out at Little Havana’s having some beers with friends when I noticed Ace at the door. Ace was not happy with the bouncer. I nonchalantly walked over and heard Ace saying to the bouncer, “That’s not fair, that’s discrimination, that’s animal cruelty!” But still the bouncer refused to let him in. Ace then turned around, put his tail far in the air and showed that bouncer a place were the sun never shines.
Report No. 3:
Ace didn’t come home until well after noon today. His eyes were bloodshot and he looked like he had been drinking all day. I yelled at him, but it was going in one furry ear and out the other. He started to put his tail up until I said, “Don’t you dare!” He put it back down and shlepped into the living room and went to sleep.
Report No. 4:
I got a call from Animal control the other night. Apparently Ace and his gang got drunk and broke into the National Aquarium. They assaulted the duck pool and Ace ruffed up a duck pretty badly. The duck’s going to be OK, but it may never fly straight again (a duck’s worse nightmare). The officer released Ace, and I gave Ave a furry ear’s full on the way back, “Hey man, what are you doing with your life?”
“I’ve got six left you know,” he replied.
“Come on man, I’m not kidding.” Ace then fell asleep. Sometimes talking to a cat does no good.
Report No. 5:
Ace came home late again, almost 3pm. I was pissed, and I could tell that he had been out drinking and fighting all night long. But this time when he tried to walk away I cornered him. He looked surprised and whipped out the claws, but I was having none of it, “Hey cat, this is it, you gotta come clean.”
“No way man. Leave me alone. This is my life.”
“No way, you come clean or you’re outta here! This is no free ride buddy.” I would not back down. It got rough. There was hair, fur, hair balls, fur balls, cat balls, you get the picture, weird things everywhere. Finally, he came clean.
He got quiet, his eyes teared up, and it came out, “It’s Kiddy.”
“What? Kiddy, what?”
“My chick, Hello Kiddy.”
“I caught her with a Tom cat.”
“A what? Oh, I see. No big deal dude.”
“Yea, I caught her with a Tom cat, and that’s not all.”
“Not all? What do you mean?” I said.
“Well . . .” He froze up.
“Come on, you can tell me.”
“She was doing things with that cat that she wouldn’t do with me.”
“Awe buddy, now I understand.” I said, and we had our man to man, well, man to cat bonding moment. My heart sank for the guy; I felt his pain. We talked a little more as I tried to calm him down and let him know that I understood. Then it hit me, I said, “Hey, you know what. I’m gonna help you get Kiddy back!”
He looked up kind of smiling, well, his fangs were showing, and he said, “What, what do you mean?”
“You and me buddy, we’re going to get Kiddy back. I’m going to help you. Just trust me, ok?”
He meowed and semi-purred and said, “hummn, yea, ok.” It was getting late so he gave me a man hung, ok, a man-cat hug, and we went to sleep.
Report No. 6
Yesterday I went by the Yachtclub looking for the tomcat after work. I looked all over but didn’t see anything. Just as the sun was starting to set, and I was ready to give up I saw a large black thing cross the road. I followed it, and what do you know, it was the tomcat. I learned an important fact: it was living under a pier next to the Domino sugar factory.
Report number seven
Yesterday morning tomcat came back to at home under the pier after a long night of doing who knows what. Ace was waiting for him in the shadows. Ace let them have it with all seven clause in his right Paw. The tomcat was furious and gave chase. Hey sled him through the Domino sugar factory in a long a high narrow catwalk That led to the shipping area where large sugarcane ships are loaded and unloaded. Ace don’t don’t want to conveyor belts that unloads the sugarcane the tomcat was close behind. At the top of the conveyor belt aced jumped off The tomcat tried to do the same but before he could I hit the reverse switch and the tomcat along with tons of sugarcane waste was dumped back into the ship container. Once in the bowels of the ship there was no way the tomcat was getting out. We heard the tomcats meows from the bow of the ship.
After work I stop by the factory and noticed that the ship has sailed the tomcat was on his way back to Cuba. Hostalavista baby. (You may notice that the grammar on this section is not quite right. It was created with EverNote Voice recognition)
The End Meeeoooooooooow